Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
