We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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