Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
