My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
