but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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