He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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