Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
