im drinking this country out of the recession.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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