That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
