The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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