Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
