It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
