Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
