I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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