paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
