morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
