Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
