What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
