I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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