Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
