I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
