im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
