I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
