The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
