It's Friday. Sex?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
