we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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