You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
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