you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
