my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
