I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
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This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
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You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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