The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
