He asked to "fluff my boner.."
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
They have beer where we have blood.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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