she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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