bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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