You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Randomize
