Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
