Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
