my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
