Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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