its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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