Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
