When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
