those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
