OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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