I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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