I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
