if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
