Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
