I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
