I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
