I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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