it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
