my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
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Why is your signature on my underwear?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
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He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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