Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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