remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
You may now shotgun with the bride
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
