The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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