My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
