"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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